From the Back Pew by Francis Wolverton

I consider myself a connoisseur of good music. There is many a time you might be passing by the Wolverton ranch to hear my old Victrola playing. Guy Lombardo, Sergio Mendes and those cute boys from The Kingston Trio flow from my parlor daily. That is why it pains me to say, “Bill McDonald it is time for you to retire from the choir.” Even from the back pew your attempts at notes sound like the bleating of a frightened lamb.

I remember the glorious days of our Choir at First Church when you were a young member of the choir. The wonderful Mr. Andrews conducted. He had you sing songs so beautiful they made me cry. Plus, he never picked hymns that I had never heard before. He would never pick a song with a Calypso beat, he was a real musician. That was the time that the choir was filled with people like yourself.

Even if you hit an occasional clunky note there was plenty of cover. Now with the choir being so sparse when you make the frequent attempts to sing the entire congregation shudders in pain. It has moved to the point where if you hit a correct note during the offering that we all want to stand up and applaud. If your wife Myrtle really loved you more than Sunday book club she would be the one here to tell you what I humbly have to relate.

I have always believed that church music was our portal into the divine. Your terrible singing is blocking the way!

Done in love,
Francis

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