From the Back Pew by Francis Wolverton

I have been sitting in front of you, Betty Sturgeon, for going on 15 years at First Presbyterian Church and I have had enough. It wasn’t bad enough that you had the impudence to sit smack dab in front of me on your first Sunday in my good friend Eunice Tally’s spot, nor that you continue to sing out lustily when you sounds like a raccoon stuck in a trash can, no it is that you persist in bringing your unholy aberration to one of the most sacred parts of the Lord’s Day. Betty quit using “trespasses” in the LORD’S prayer. Everyone in the church knows it is you and your attempt to bring Methodism into our community. My ugly glares have obviously not gotten through, so I must take more direct action. I complained to the pastor, but our pastor is too nice. She doesn’t want to hurt your delicate feelings. Well, I am not the pastor and I believe in something called truth. So, get that Arminianism out of our Calvinism. Debtors just sounds better anyway. I am only concerned for your own well being and hope that you will at last understand what it means to be Presbyterian. Maybe then we will accept you as one of our own.

In Christ.
Francis

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