First Church Banned From Thanksgiving Parade

Even though they are one of the founding members of the Altoon’s annual Thanksgiving parade members of First Presbyterian Church of Altoon have found themselves sitting on lawn chairs this year. Instead of throwing pencils with the churches name on them from the back of Merle Johnson’s pickup truck they have been banned walking in the parade by the Altoon Neighborhood Association.

Although Merle himself is an eccentric character and his business is obscenity laced greeting cards people in the community have learned to avoid him. It all started when ex-high school football star Morris Anderson decided he would be the center of this year’s float. We are told that Morris painting of his 350 lb upper body frame in orange and brown and yelling incoherently is typical behavior.

Problems continued when Rufus Milton refused to hand out pencils to the children who followed the truck screaming at them, “You can’t have any! We are going to run out!” As the parade passed by various groups of people in the crowd could be seen saying, “oh my God!”

Following the float were various members of the the church and the pastor who were walking as far away from the float as possible. Always leading the First contingent was the beloved 84 year old Martha Jenkins who has dressed up as a pilgrim ever since the beginning parade. She will be able to continue this tradition but will walking alone this year.

Even though they will not be in this year’s parade the church and the staff of the Presbytery would like to wish everyone a Happy Thanksgiving!


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