New Immigrant School Opened


A new school for immigrants has been founded by our Committee on Christianizing and Americanizing. The school will be called The Presbyterian Immigrant School. One of the major contributors to this project is First Presbyterian Church of Capital City through their Margaret Peabody Educational Fellowship.

The fellowship was started in 1876 to tame the savages of West Micro-Inderostan with the good news of Christ, free trade and Judeo-Christian culture. After having wiped out the sinful practices of bone dice and the slinky dances Margaret started a school to make them proper Christians. Unfortunately, the school was closed down years later due to lack of Inderostanians that had to be de-cultured. For the next ten years the school’s records where used to re-teach West Micro-Inderostanian’s the jigsaw puzzle of traditions that had been wiped out.

From the sale of the prime real estate property a fellowship was established to “further the Christian culture amongst the heathen.”

Sister Frances Wolverton has praised the idea saying, “I think this will help those poor people standing on street corners get jobs where we don’t have to see them. Cleaning in hotel rooms, mopping a Wal Mart and grinding up hot dogs at the meat packing plant are good Christian jobs. They are just loitering and causing all sorts of social problems. All you have to do is watch Lou Dobbs to know what a problem they have become.”

No need to worry about seeing them in your church any time soon. Pastor Dingle of First Capital City laughed saying, “they will want to stay with their own kind. Look at the difference. We are mainly educated, older white people, what would they have in common with us? Even if we do get them decent jobs they just would not feel comfortable amongst us.”

So, get ready to donate all those half used notebooks, beat up copies of Mark Twain (don’t worry if it doesn’t have a cover) and half-used pencils that you where going to throw away. They will be needed at The Presbyterian Immigrant School to help another immigrant become a productive member of society.


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