First Presbyterian Church of Desperate Grove will end their Lenten Study this Wednesday with a book signing from local author and celebrity Becky Nelson. She will be signing copies of her new book, Meadows of Jesus and her previous book A Rifle, A Rope and Desperation: The History of Desperate Grove.
When nationally known emergent author Billy Saucer came to First Presbyterian Church of Metro Crossing he could never have anticipated the feisty group of women and racial/ethnic clergy that he would encounter. Things started of on the wrong foot when Billy decided to change the name of his presentation from the event’s “Presbyterians and the Emergent Church” to “Mainline Church’s Irrelevancy.”
The conflict only escalated when he answered accomplished author Rev. Rodrigez Salazar’s question about the lack of ethnic diversity in the movement. Salazar took exception to the idea that there just weren’t leaders of national prominence in those communities. He added that women had made the same complaint and that if they just stepped up the organic nature of the flattened structure would take care of any sociological hierarchies that any emergent group exhibited because they where depending on the Spirit to return them to the early church.
Things deteriorated into a call to 911 when Billy called the clergy “Poseurs” for having retirement and health insurance. He also indicated that they should leave the denominations that they were a part of because they were merely stifling institutions. They should trust totally in God and they lacked faith. After the police broke up the melee Billy was rushed to the airport to return to the seminary where he is a professor.
“We paid $5,000 to that fool to put us down and be ugly.” Rev. Connie Meekness claimed.
First Presbyterian Church of Alterior Moats will be having their annual Men’s Prayer Breakfast at 7 a.m. on Saturday. There will be loads of pancakes, sausage and coffee for this gathering. This year’s special speaker will be Dr. Marvin Finkwiley. His thought provoking book All The Circumcision In The Bible will blend informative Biblical passages with Near Eastern history. It should be a morning of fellowship and spiritual growth.
“Round and Round she goes, Where she stops only Jesus knows!” We want to welcome the Presbytery’s newest ministry Jesus’ Cloak Casino. Black Jack, Slots and Roulette will be lighting up the night in Meridian Platte. This new ministry was made possible with the money from the sale of First Presbyterian Church of Bogadonavine. There will be services each Sunday at 11 am in the First Presleyterian Chapel of Taking Care of Business. There will be a clergy available for weddings as well.
New Church Development Minister Sara Plumpkin explains that the idea came to the committee when they considered what other churches did with the money that had been endowed to them over the years. “They have been basically betting on the stock market with that money, so we got the idea to make other’s bet against the church.”
Welcome to the Presbytery and we hope that everyone is All In with this ministry.
One night Elder Maynard Fergeron left his house to fix an ailing toilet at First Presbyterian Church of Futility Pass never to return again. Rumors sailed about what could have happened to the popular octogenarian. In one story Maynard wandered the fields of Futility because dementia had confused him. In another Maynard, much like Elijah ascended to God in a fiery chariot. Finally, there was the hypothesis that he had merely moved on to another town. Over the years the church continued to have what appeared to be paranormal activity. Doors opening alone and candles lit in the kitchen. Often when young Pastor Dan would attempt to change the order of worship he would find nasty messages shoved under his door.
On tuesday the mystery of Maynard was finally solved. A mummified corpse next to an open tool box was discovered in the storage space above the sanctuary. The only access to this hidden room is from a door above the balcony pews. Since no one ever uses the balcony it is understandable that the room had become forgotten. Maynard’s internment will be Thursday at 11 am.
First Presbyterian Church of Gable Stone is graciously donating the remainder of its library for any other church’s use. Please call them to by next Thursday to claim these items or they will be sending them to the Missionaries in Africa. The books left are:
-A complete set of 1976 Sunday School material.
-The Layman’s Bible Commentary.
-Various Corrie Ten Boom books.
-Billy Graham’s Approaching Hoofbeats
-Hal Lindsay’s The Late Great Planet Earth
-Book of Orders from 1971-1988
-Various Copies of the Red Hymnal
-3 volumes of the Do It Yourself Encyclopedia from Popular Mechanics (1955)
No one knows if it was the Deviled Eggs or the Pimento Salad but many of the attendees at this year’s Pot Luck and Moon bounce for Jesus ended up in the hospital with food poisoning. We hope everyone at First Presbyterian Church of Falling Rocks get better soon.
In a bold blog post Presbyterian Masculine Society (PMS) deriding the “Underground Railroading” of secular humanistic, universalistic, non-historical, Biblically wanting, feminist, homosexually accepting and credal tolerant leadership of the Presbytery of Silly Walks in the Pines. In their weekly blog, PresbyMan, Joe Simpson derided the “lack of integrity” that these younger ministers have. He continues that this is the reason that “we need to keep using our ecclesiastical system to root them out and run them out on that underground rail. We should use the system like a battering ram of truth. Jesus needs our help.”
Gay loving elder Frances Wolverton proclaimed, “It is a shame they are fighting a battle that they have already lost. In 2o years these leaders they are persecuting will have been shown to be morally on the right side of this issue. Why do they use our system to persecute people for following their conscience? I thought we were protestants. It doesn’t say that the PresbyMan is Lord of the conscience, that is a position only Jesus can take.”